Modern Man or Ape in a Suit?

Although I hate to think of myself as someone who stereotypes, someone who conforms or lives his life in any way as a cliche... I would be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes I fall into the trap. Consciously but mainly unconsciously I guess we all fall into the trap to one degree or another.

• I saw a guy wearing an Argentinian soccer / football shirt this morning on the subway and though, "cheating b*stard!" (~reference Mexico 1986, the 'Hand of God' from one Senior Diego Maradona.
• I spoke with my bank on the phone the other week and when the Indian national answered the phone (our UK banks and retailers off-shore just about everything now) I thought I was going to have to repeat everything I was going to say and get a terrible customer service. It wasn't like that at all.
• But then it's not just attitudes, this weekend I woke up every morning with a semi. Haha!! Yep, I'm a man, can't help it. Especially waking to see Miss Musical's delectable boat-race every day. (~reference www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/slang/boat_race)

TEST!

Here's one of those irritating, but often irresistible, chain emails that I received today (from a friend in Eastern Europe of all places!)...

Is this really what men and women are like today? I f*cking hope not!! :)

Let's see how I did... comments, jibes, insults and general p*ss taking welcome!

Nicknames

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
• TRUE for me and my guy friends...!! Oh no, not a good start... 0-1!

Eating Out

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• TRUE!! Bugger... 0-2 after 2.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
• TRUE!! 0-3. Damn these clever spam writing Eastern Europeans, or whom ever and where ever they are!!

Bathrooms

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
• NOT TRUE!! 1-3. Although I'm NOT sure that I should admit to this... I have teeth whitening things, bubble bath (and it wasn't a gift... haha), several different brands of aftershave, men's facial/exfoliating/moisturising products, advil, advil delux, advil extreme and a bunch of fibre pills, vitamin tablets and other tree-hugging herbal supplements from Whole Foods, god bless 'em.

Arguments

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• My last relationship? TRUE! My fiancee and I? Not true! We don't argue, we talk openly and it hasn't escalated there yet. But my guess would be that if we ever do argue, all people do at some point, that she wouldn't be like that and we wouldn't be like that. She rocks. We rock. 2-3.

Future

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• Haha. I can't say. I'm not worrying about the future now that I'm engaged. I doubt that will change. 3-3 and the equalizer!!

Success

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• NOT TRUE - for me at least!! I'm blessed with a girlfriend who (so far at least! ;) values me more than my cash and knows we'll get by together on whatever we have. ROCK STAR. 4-3 and I'm taking the lead!!

Dressing Up

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
• NOT TRUE! I wear a suit and tie to work and enjoy doing so. I HAVE to though... outside of work? As soon as the snow disappears and until it returns I'm typically found wearing cargo shorts, t-shirt and flip-flops!! Haha. Love it. Although I do get tarted up to go out on the town or out to dinner, that sort of thing. I think I'll give myself a point for this one. 5-3 baby! Bring it!

Nature

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• No comment. For my part of the question and for my own sake by not answering Miss Musical's part. Next question. Haha. ;) 5-4, maybe. This makes the last question interesting...

Offspring

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house!
• Hmm... While we British do love the thought of sending our 6 day old children off to boarding school and not having to deal with them until they turn 18 - at which point they're out the door and off to fend for themselves to help them build character - I don't think this one is going to be true. Miss Musical is going to be a kick-ass mum and I know that I'm going to be a kick-ass dad.

So... 6-4 to the Modern Man over the stereotypes!! WOOHOO!!

Ode to Miss Musical's Bum

Hello people!

So I guess this isn't technically an ode. Not simply because I don't know how to compose one technically, but more so because I was actually taught how to write them during my high school years, during English Language classes, however I'm fairly certainly I thought poetry was for girls so I didn't pay enough attention. I'm fairly certain that instead of listening and learning I was either drilling a hole in the front of my desk with my compass or I was blotting dry on tissue paper the 150 ink cartridges my mum had bought me for my fountain pen. I used to break open the plastic casing to add the little pearl-like plastic balls that control the ink flow to my collection (I had hundreds and hundreds of them)...

Regardless, whatever I was doing - I wasn't learning how to compose an ode. So here's my best effort...
But first... Why an ode? And why an ode to my girlfriend's bum? (her 'arse' for my follow Brits and 'ass' for my fellow Americanos).

Don't get me wrong, contrary to what a reader of this blog post may assume, I'm not a shallow person and my girlfriend/fiancee/life-long lady and love of my life and we have the most wonderfully deep and meaningful relationship. It's incredible on so many different levels, I think EVERY single level in fact. I respect her, admire her and love her more than anything. In terms of her physical form, she knows I go weak at the knees just by looking at her smile let alone anything else! She has eyes that make me smoulder inside when they meets mine. Her smile makes me melt. I have to stop myself from kissing her lips whenever she talks. We're talking Helen of Troy meets Monica Potter means Julia Roberts. More specifically, she also knows what I think of her bum. (To any ladies or gents wondering if this little online indulgence would offend my lovely Miss Musical, rest assured that she has signed-off of my little alpha-male, caveman like need to adore her derrière in this way. I refer back to one of my previous statements - incredible relationship on so many different levels. This is one of them.)


Every guy who loves his girlfriend, fiancee, wife, or who is single but has a crush, has a part of his beloved's form that he favours the most. Sorry, that puts it's far too mildly. Let's try again...

Every guy who loves his lady friend goes INSANE for a specific part of her body. There can be more than one part that gets the applause and the attention, probably several different parts at least I'm sure, but I bet my 42inches of HD surround sound Samsung manufactured beauty (yes, this is a guy's guy post, forgive me) that there is one part of a gentleman's better half, above all others, that a he adores the most...

Adores...
Can't take his eyes off...
Thinks about when she's not there...
Salivates at the thought of seeing...
Gets a semi at the thought of touching...
Secretly wants to take photos of and show them to friends and strangers alike at random...
Wants to kneel down in public to kiss it, lick it, bite it, grab it...

...lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

Well - simply put people, my lady's bum, her derrière, her posterior - it's incredible. Insane. Delicious. Perfect. Fantastic. A-mah-mah-mah-mazing. AMAZING! It truly is THE world's most sensational bottom. Bum. Arse. Ass. Pick your favourite term.

She has it. I love it.

What's it like? I'd love to show you a photo but alas - this I'm keeping for myself I'm afraid. It's mine, all mine! And while my liddigy-love is happy for me to talk about her bum, I didn't ask her if it was ok to plaster photos of it online (!) so I'll play it on the safe side and keep this little treasure to myself. :o)

I'll try and describe it for you instead...

Curvier than Scarlett Johansson's bum in Lost in Translation...?

Yes. Remember how Scarlett's perfect peach lay there during the whole opening credits of Lost in Translation? How the men in the movie theatres had to readjust themselves in their seats during this opening 120 seconds or so... Yes, better than that.

Firmer than Jessica Biel's formidable rump in Blade Trinity...?

Hell yes! You can slap it, it wobbles once then just sits there, as if defying Newton's laws of physics and all the laws of gravity.

More pert, enticing and grabable (new word, it's mine) than Evangeline Lilly's...?

Oh lord, I'd have to say yes again. For sure, mais oui mes amis. Yes. It make's poor old Kate from Lost's bum look like that of a school boy's.

Better than Beyonce and Shakira's combined junk in the trunk in that Beautiful Liar music video...?! 

Without question!! Not as large but with all the shape. Not as overwhelming on her frame but just as spectacular. You can keep your lovely ladies Jay-Z and Mr Shakira dude, whomever you may be.

I could go on and on... as you can probably tell, my love for lover's love bumper knows no end.

And so, my love, to end any confusion,
My passion, for your bum, is no allusion.
I'll draw this blog post to a conclusion,
And say your posterior commands my love profusion...

Hot damn!! I really should have paid more attention to Mr Harrison in English class!!